What is Mikey's End-of-Life Plan?

It's not as bleak as it sounds, but it has started a death clock for me. While I am not religious, I do believe I am here for a reason, but I am not knowledgeable enough to understand exactly why. The lessons of the good, bad and ugly are intended for me. Even for situations that I have brought upon myself.

Last Summer/Fall - Wake Up Call

I had a number of situations happen back-to-back. From relationships to business. It was an undeniable collision course.

In looking around me, people I had known were passing away in their 70s. Also, people I knew were physically struggling with newfound disabilities, aging-related issues, and financially trapped, not being able to survive month to month.

Never having children, I've had the opportunity to travel and do things without worrying about feeding another mouth(s). I don't have the burden of forced family visits, nor do I worry about my offspring getting on their feet.

In every way, I have had it easy compared to many other people. My gayness makes me unique in my approach but also sets me up for verbal and emotional abuse from others.

What Was Wrong?

The Crochet Crowd was developed to connect with others around creativity. I am not a case of nepotism involving someone I knew or grew up with who understood the business side of creativity. Everything has been a learning curve, one after another. Some battles are tough to get through, while others are optimistic happy accidents.

After a year of being online on YouTube back in 2008. I realized, through this understanding, that the people who also teach crochet are not competitors but essentially faculty members on the same platform. People have their favourite hosts they turn to.

WHY? Because they felt a connection with the host.

Displaying a personal side opens the door to criticism and unsolicited comments. Opinions or advice that wasn't asked for. It's taken me years to understand human interaction, and some days when I am at my lowest, I take it to heart. But on the other side, it's not a corporate version of myself and capturing everyday life. It's relationships.

Daniel doesn't like being on camera or having his photo taken. He started out okay with it, but over time, the open opinions about what he is cooking, how he is gardening, the plants he chooses, interactions with the pets, and much more became a storyline that isn't welcome. It strains into personal life at home.

I realized that the people around me, as I am now in my 50s, were passing away. The shelf life. Sooner rather than later.

I was going to bed wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I'm too scared to commit suicide if I get it wrong and force myself to endure a medical disaster, but secretly wishing it would just be over.

Wake Up Call

I had to determine what gives me the most joy and push aside things that don't.

What you don't see behind the scenes is that YouTube critiques each host's performance. In your face, real-time analytics. For 6 months of every year, I get emotionally overwhelmed with the statistical data showing me that I am failing. The sense of feeling can wipe your purpose and motivation.

Recently, I was able to program my YouTube Channel using AI to give me more results that reflect the seasonality of crochet. In doing so, I realized we are 15% higher than last year. To omit the last slowdown of the season and to look at the statistics from typical human behaviour. Crochet slows right down in the warmer months and can give the illusion you are making things worse.

There are certain things that. I enjoy working with and others that I find myself having mental anguish. I have to separate what is in the interests of corporations like Facebook / Google and YouTube and determine what my physical capabilities are. If they critique me, they will give me a long list of everything I am doing wrong and how I can improve. A lot of the improvements are what will serve their advertisers better over my mental health.

The End of Life Goal

With the recent health issue I just endured. I hadn't realized how long I had the issue, as I thought it was anxiety, but it was internal body issues that I misunderstood. Life can upend itself without notice.

When I sit back, I want to do what brings me joy and turn down what doesn't. Of course, everyone has to make a living, and there are things we must do for survival. But I want to stay more on the creative side of things and not get hung up on the weeks of nonsense.

I see and hear other YouTube Hosts fighting with each other. Why? For popularity. The consumer doesn't care about that. They care about the value you bring to their lives. The more time you spend. In the negative space, the less likely you are to grow.

I have a lot to learn, and I hope to keep on learning. However, waiting to learn rather than forcing decisions or making short-term decisions is in my interest.

With this change comes a styling change for me personally. A personal reset. With this comes a mindset of practicing and acknowledging joy.

Recently, I got trolled by someone that I didn't realize was trolling me, and I went through three days of allowing this person or possible bot to end my life. I was so pissed at myself for it that I should have done a quick background check on the person to realize they have no friends on Facebook and most likely a hidden account from someone wanting to give me a hard time or who sees me as a target.

Someone said something to me yesterday that was complete nonsense, only because they want something there and now. Spewing a lie intentionally to cause a reaction. I ignored it. A friend got. hold of me and asked me if they wanted me to troll them, and I said no. Don't waste your time. I know what they said is a lie to get my attention. Don't feed the smoke, as fire will start.

Ultimately, the goal is to find joy and live for now, as tomorrow isn't guaranteed. The end-of-life plan is about living for today for what I am interested in and what gives me joy versus waiting for the right time before I can spread my wings and find other ways that also bring me joy.