Crochet patterns can be meditative to some degree and can quiet the mind of repetitive self-destructive thoughts. It's like "Deja Poo, you've heard that crap before and it's circling your mind over and over and over."
Many of us can circle in our minds scenarios and situations we have faced or tough decisions we will be facing. For myself, I can talk myself into self-harm and into beliefs or feelings that aren't really there. As much as people can put thoughts into my head on how I am supposed to act, talk, walk and live, people like me have the ability to self-doubt and devalue ourselves beyond measure. It's a vicious cycle and I have gone beyond the line in self-harm a few times.
I think it's laughable that we humans consider ourselves civilized as when someone is struggling, we are idle and let someone bury themselves. It's disgusting but, though I have a large community following, I too, feel weak in the knees and buckle but tend to keep it off social media. What is silent can be more damaging.
Get Help
If you are feeling that you are struggling or contemplating suicide, Alcohol Treatment is available to reach out confidentially to them. Make the call or put your number on their website and they will call you. Their website shares information that is bleak statistics that are a bit surprising but helpful to know you are not alone.
The Distraction
In designs, part of the texture experience isn't about visual eye candy that makes me wet my whistle. It's about the strategy to silence the self-harming tendencies I have.
The idea of counting takes away the lingering thoughts of over-processing crap in my mind that is lingering in the deep corners. I cannot fester on a relationship or people issues when I am distracted by the conceptual design of a pattern.
If the pattern is too repetitive, I can sink into myself and lose myself in a sinkhole of endless possibilities of existent and made-up scenarios. I cannot be alone in this... please tell me I am not alone.
Some people can live rent-free in my head and crochet for me is the distraction I need to issue an eviction notice and free myself from the chains of bondage I feel.
The Ultimate Goal
Find patterns where I can bury myself into a pattern to feel the personal milestones of joy that I make for myself. Small moments of joy of self accomplishments that I need to propel myself forward.
The Crochet Happy Holiday Throw was an example of a project that was intentionally chosen, though I haven't admitted this before, that was a mind silencer.
In my tutorial example, I did a swatch example of the blues. It took away the Christmas look from the original pattern. I felt so proud of it. While I just did a small baby blanket size with just doing the sequence once with a border. I felt joy.
Videos are available to assist you.
Better Together Afghan
The Better Together Afghan designed by Jeanne and me is example where two minds are trying to find inner peace.
We both crocheted our collaborative design in the colours we loved. Blue was important for Jeanne and is a colour she wears most often. It brings her joy.
We both used stitches in this design that meant something for each of us. The Catherine Wheel Stitch was one of the first concepts I learned as a teenager beyond regular double crochet. Jeanne was playing with the textures of the Alpine Stitch. It was tough to collaborate so we both felt comfortable with the design.
I learned from Jeanne and maybe she did from me as well. It's a stitching journey.
Tutorials are available to self-assist.
4 Crochet Stitch Samplers
The 4 designs for the Crochet Sampler Afghans are designs I wish to crochet in the future. Two of them I have already done, the other two are on my high priority list.
The one on the upper right corner is something that has 14 individual designs within the sampler. There are 14 opportunities to learn more.
You will find the upper left and bottom right are already filmed and ready for those who need extra help.
The Christmas Puzzle Along
I found the Christmas Puzzle Along with the Rudolf, Santa and Reindeer Tissue Box covers to be mini joyful moments and then nice self-gratifying accomplishments in the end.
I watched the characters take shape as I crocheted these. They each had their own personality traits. We could have made each character even more customized with mittens, clothing, chair and more.
I was glad to finish them but enjoyed the stitching journey all the same. I gave myself milestone goals throughout to keep myself motivated to continue.
7 Textured Crochet Blankets
Textured Blankets distract me from the evil mind's eye of destructive thoughts.
While some of the blankets have a simple repeat, it's still the thought of ensuring you pay somewhat attention to the pattern.
When starting a new row, you split-second evaluate where you are and your next step. This will stop a mid-thought in its tracks and maybe something else will start up after the thought. I find it very useful.
5 Crochet Textured Hats
Like the textured blankets, crochet textured hats can give you inner peace as well but with timelines much faster than a full-size afghan.
With a bit of counting and repetitive stitch counts, you can see the texture forming in front of your eyes. Feeling gratitude mid-project in watching this materialize.
Suicide Prevention Line
If you ever need help, remember there are people to call. I'm not the right person to confide in myself, as like many, I'm clinging on some days myself.
For you in the USA, you can reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Line should ever fall too deep. They can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.
For you in Canada, the Canada Suicide Prevention Service is available. They can be reached at 1-833-456-4566.
Speak to your family doctor should need a referral. I have sought counselling through my doctor a couple of times in needing help to see the light. I'm not ashamed to say I couldn't do it on my own, but there are times, you feel all alone though surrounded by others.
I'm not advocating that crochet will cure your thoughts but for me, it's a welcome distraction and has been used several times in my life to calm my inner thoughts down. You may have found the same.
You are welcome to share your stories in the comments of this blog if you have something that can give comfort or help to others.
Vonda says
Mikey,
I am 60 years old an just a few years ago , I finally realized that I was really great. Not greater than anyone else but great. I too still have self loathing and doubt cream up once in awhile but most of the time, I just keep it out. Maybe all of the years of knitting, crocheting and sewing has helped me keep the monsters at bay. Maybe realizing that we all are human and flawed helps me know that criticism from people in my life doesn't mean anything because those critical of me are just as flawed as I am. I just analyze it and decide if it is something that I can do better or if I'm fine the way I am. Mostly I'm fine. Be the one who compliments and smile. Knitting, crocheting, and sewing make me feel so happy. I hope you feel happy too.
Mikey says
Yeah, through experience we do learn those lessons and it seems to me, you have life figured out. I love crochet as I can process information during quiet moments.
Liberty says
Mikey you dreamboat! Your sharing, caring and doing attitude is just the thing for the deja poor! You share your story, care about other struggles, and are doing what you can for yourself and other. Well done Muffin!
I have crocheted along with you on a few projects and always enjoy my results. You are patient and a pleasure to crochet with!
I often just listen to you while I work on other things because of that. I do alot of 3d and heavily textured crochet projects to sweep all the nonsense, and relentless brain rubbish that tends to plauge people in our similar situations. Between you talking me through some sticky patterns, Jen Tyler challenging me with hers and Arnie and Carlos just talking has made life easier everyday!
You are a great teacher and a beautiful human! Thanks for all the wonderful everythings! Always keep fighting!
Robin says
Mikey, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honest and courageous writing. I too crochet as an alternative to harming myself. I picked it up as a hobby when I was in a homeless shelter for homeless folks who needed prolonged medical care. I ended up there because I ended up in a wheelchair unable to even stand up without assistance after a botched suicide attempt. My condition only lasted three months after a five week hospital stay. Im happy to report I got back on my feet literally. Figuratively I'm still working the details out. But I'm not homeless anymore and I recently traded my TV for a 31 gallon tub of yarn. I'm only 43 and still have, I hope, a lot of life left in me. But I don't think I'd have gotten here had it not been for the soothing salve that a hook and a skein brought to me. Much love my friend. You are not alone. It's funny, I used to hate when people said that to me. "Yeah," I thought, "until you call me or have lunch with me on a Sunday afternoon, you're just full of crap." So, if ever you or anyone who is going through this needs to know they're not alone, I'll sit and crochet with you, or crochet and listen while you talk if you're not in the mood to create. [email protected]
Ms. Robin
Naomi says
Super moved by your story. You are an example and an inspiration. God bless you for sharing and giving others hope. Be safe, healthy, happy and keep crocheting!
Deborah Kurek says
Mikey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too am a crocheter!!!!!!
This art of yarn and hook with fingers is so calming. Thank you for your story and of course the beautiful inspiration ❤ for us fellow "hookers"!!!!!
Mikey says
You are most welcome.
Anne Welch. says
I can imagine the mental and physical pain you went through. My husband had a number of health problems, and because of Diabetes he ended up losing his legs below the knees. I had to take care of him unless he was in the hospital or a nursing home. He almost died several times because he was so sick. Despite mental health problems, he never once considered ending his life. He lived almost two years after the surgeries. If you ever need to talk, I'll listen. You can contact me on Messenger or PM me on Instagram. God bless you.