Every spring, around this time, I hit a lull and borderline depressive state. It's awful, it's ugly and it's non-motivational. This year feels different than most though, I'm at a point of hopelessness and gawd it is rough.
I really have no reason to be depressed. My home life is set, warm roof over my head and meals on the table. What is broken is the chained device to my pocket, my iPhone. It is addictive and is riddled mostly in upsetting and news that angers me to the point of feeling winded, tired and to the point where I am lacking the care.
Most stuff, I can just push off my shoulders as it's not my responsibility and there is nothing I can do to solve the problem or be part of a solution. I literally have to sift through garbage to find the joy.
I find myself looking through my newsfeeds whether it's Facebook, Twitter and YouTube and I gasp at the rawness of the threads. I find myself gasping at the TV in news stories that really are sensationalism built up to be a story versus the news that is life-altering for many. To balance feels impossible. Yet, some things that need to be fixed are beyond my capability of doing so. So I feel hopeless because the only person I can rationally change is myself and sometimes, that's not enough for my mentality as I want world peace but it feels impossible to have a conversation that leads to it. Always barriers and yet the people who can make a difference seem to have their own interests ahead of the rest.
Take an honest look at your newsfeed today. Find the joy! Seriously, look for the post updates that have a celebration or positive outlook. You may see what I see, it's social media of grievances over some important issues and so many others that are so trivial, you wonder how these people function.
I've done myself a favour to ween myself off the daily news cycle before the start of this year. That's helped a lot. I've been more creative but it's the social media that wants to lure me back into the addiction of following play-by-play action on events. It feels like it's treated like a sport.
Maybe I am C-19 exhausted. Many people I know are. I've become paranoid and I don't shop or go to a store just for the fun of it. It's mission-based, in and out. No dilly-dallying.
I started my experience in the yarn arts as a way to reach out to connect to the community. Now I find myself below water with my hand above the surface waiting to take a breath. I'm stuck in the undertow and though I receive many compliments a day for the work I do, it feels the greater life, outside of the yarn is broken and it's causing me to shatter.
I cannot make happiness for others or for others to find their own joy. My personal wish is that we all, including me, make more of an effort to celebrate and have gratitude for what is working, right and a great moment, for many, it doesn't seem people are joyous that often but I bet they are but knee jerk to the negative.
I'll be fine, I'll work my way through it... I'm in between tasks at this moment and I need to find a quick milestone to get me through to that next moment. It doesn't take much, I just have to want it bad enough to push the negative and the water aside to reach for it.
Nadia says
Know that you are heard, seen, and so greatly appreciated.
Kelly says
Mikey, your emotional doldrums sound familiar to me. Our depression is real, but we can live with it. My depression is also somewhat cyclical but mine hits in the fall. For me, if I recognize that it is happening and then try to find mindfulness activities to get through the next day or the next hour, it helps. When it isn't enough, like this past f'ing year, I get a "check up" with a therapist. This works for me but may not for you. My point is this. Recognizing your feelings and that they are real and cheering up won't help. Find activities or a mindset that helps you deal. Then find assistance that works for you when needed. Finally, know that you are admired and loved and worthy. Hang in there, Bud. You can do this.
Elaine says
Keep breathing. I push through March every year it has the anniversary of multiple significant deaths and some years I struggle more than others. I remind myself to keep breathing. I pray you find the peace and joy in your craft it brings me. I redirect my focus counting stitches. Then I find I’m out of that ditch and moving on.