Daniel and I were watching a documentary focused on Abercrombie & Finch last night. It’s in our era this situation happened and yet neither of us remember this, but there’s a reasonable explanation.
Neither Daniel nor I in our younger years hung out at the mall. Myself, I was a social outcast, so the idea of going to the mall to hang out with myself is laughable on its face. Daniel has no interest in wearing clothing from places like this or even places like the GAP. The clothing for both of us in our 20s was unaffordable for retail stores like this. You can buy a shirt at these places when you can buy far more clothing at another. The money has to be stretched.
Story Time
In my 20s as I came out of the closet, I started shopping at a more fashionable places and having more fancier clothes than I was used to. Of course, I bee-lined to the discount rack. Who doesn’t right!? I really disliked going into places where I am greeted by a representative and then trailed in the store. Leave me alone, I will buy more if you just leave me be. But I feel watched and conscious of my time. More often than not, I cut my visits short.
At this one location, I was starting to become a regular customer. I bought a bit here and there, I was on a tight budget and absolutely go for the discount rack. The era of the associates wearing headsets to communicate has happened. As I passed by one associate, I heard her say into her headset, “There’s that cheap faggot!” and just as she says that I hear the rest of the associates burst out laughing in the store. Including the manager. So you know it’s a lost cause.
I was mortified and when I looked at the clothing I was wearing in the store, everything on me was purchased there. I am their loyal customer. I had just come out of the closet within weeks of this and I thought, OMG, this is my life moving forward of side glances and under-the-breath comments. I got to the rack and the associates are watching me. I couldn’t do it, I just turned around and left. What am I doing there as they will gladly take my money?
The internet has just become available and I thought, I wonder who the head office of this place is. I found them, I emailed them my situation and sure as hell, within minutes, I get a phone call from the Canadian-Wide Manager asking me to share. Followed by a call the next day with the provincial manager, followed by the district manager and then eventually the store manager that laughed along with the crew. She was really apologetic and said they didn’t mean to disrespect me. Whatever, save it!
She offered me 40% off my complete purchase the next time I am in. Identify me and I will get 40% off. I told all of the managers that called me, I don’t want a discount, I just want you to be aware that speaking into the headsets in the earshot of customers is upsetting if they are talking about a customer.
I never did go back to that store. I hold grudges and I felt, there is nothing that would have changed within the staffing that fast for me to be talked to like a human being instead of looked at like a value. Of course, them slanging my homosexuality at the time of coming out was devastating to me. It was the first time of been called that by someone I hadn’t known and in my lifetime, will not be my last. It was at this moment, that I knew I was an outcast in high school which followed me to my adult years. This situation put me back as I was embarking on a new lifestyle trying to claw my way through figuring things out.
When looking at the models in the photography in stores of laughing, hanging with friends. I’m completely the opposite person of that. So the idea of shopping in mall stores to be in trend when you don’t fit the trend wasn’t something that I would follow.
Daniel and I were talking about the documentary afterwards last night. We were reflecting on shopping back in Ontario on our days off and driving to the city. We made the day of it, shop the mall, do the food court for lunch. As we were gaining weight, our options became less.
One of our favourite stores we loved to shop at, never carried anything over 36 pants and though at Walmart my shirt was Large, I couldn’t fit into a 2 XL in these locations. We basically gained weight only to be booted from these stores with no options.
The last time we went to the mall, we went from one store to another, only to realize we had no options other than a major department store. Suddenly the fun clothes for us became out of reach. How do you dress when the choices aren’t there?
The pandemic pushed Daniel and me to shop online. We were barely online shoppers. Everything I needed was within arms reach of where I lived until it wasn’t any longer. Decided by the retailers. Us bigger people want to wear nice clothes too you know. Is that so wrong?
Once I finally placed my first order on Amazon during the pandemic, I thought, man this is easy. I can buy sizes that fit me and narrow down the searches so easily. Why are we going to stores only to feel humiliated when there are no sizes for us. Well, that’s gotta change!
What I realized during this documentary last night is that I kinda feel bad for buying online. In looking down at my clothing right now, only my sweater I am wearing as a light jacket is the local thing I bought. Everything else is from online shopping. In sizes that fit me.
We’ve learned some lessons with the ads on Facebook to be a bit skeptical as the same item is sold by several companies but our gut instinct suggests it’s the same company just with a different website face, does anyone else think that? The website is here today, gone within weeks. Scares me to think online shopping that money can be taken but then you cannot find the site and pray to gawd that your stuff arrives.
In watching the documentary, I realized that it’s not an accident for people like us to not have options. It’s designed that way. Do you know what I have to say then!? Screw it, the whole online shopping thing for us was our way of trying to fit in without having to pick leftovers on a rack or doing only to realize you don’t fit into anything and the sales rep says, “I’m sorry, we don’t have clothing that would fit you!” In walking out of the store and sitting on a bench and seeing the passers-by, no one by the store’s own criteria can actually fit into their clothing.
I came away with the documentary of this guilt of shopping online has to be over. It’s the new way of shopping like it or not. Daniel found this location online, and I don’t remember the name of it. It’s out of India and you give them your measurements that include your body shape, which may be a pear shape like us. The clothing is customized from the fabric and made for you. It’s called French Crown. Not at crazy cheap online pricing, but at costs that a normal beautiful shirt would cost if I was local. Best yet, it’s made for you, not for you to fit a mould of what an average person would want. The quality is worth the investment. (PS, I don’t use affiliated links, so the link I provided is direct to the website for your convenience.)
The pandemic taught us that we have options when things get limited. The guilt of online shopping is kinda out there but in some cases, the only option is when you live in a small community, like us, and the options are limiting. Kind of an eye-opener experience.
I get there are local jobs that rely on us to shop, trust me, that’s why I have guilt. However, not everyone wants to be dressed the exact same thing if the options are limited in where you live. I think like a retail store, with body shapes morphing into the larger sizes with humanity expanding like we are, it must be difficult to decide what to stock and how many items to buy to stock the shelves. It’s probably why they offer free shipping at the store if the size isn’t available to send it to you, which happens with a couple of retailers here.
Am I surprised by the outcome of the documentary? Not really, it was a place where I wasn’t meant to be as a consumer due to pricing and image. It’s hard to shop at a store where the men are ripped and partially naked in photography and I resemble the Pillsbury Mascot!
What are your thoughts about this? Leave me a comment on the blog.
You are probably already familiar with her work, but Brene Brown has so much to say about shaming behavior like you experienced in the store. I am sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad you went straight to the top in reporting it. Shopping is no fun on either end of the size charts, and I have to say I do shop a lot at thrift stores as well as increasingly on line.
Coming out as gay is such a difficult thing, and most people don’t understand how much many of us lose when we do start loving ourselves instead of hating ourselves and loathing our very existence.
I’m a 55 year old gay man who was ex-communicated from my church (not a very Christian thing to do), lost most of my friends and a good portion of my family because they all thought I was choosing to live a life of sin and wasn’t strong enough to resist Satan’s temptations. I was 21 at the time and was put through reparative therapy to become straight (which is unethical and every psychological organization prohibits it, yet many Christian based “mental health” programs still practice it), and I was suicidal. Thanks to one of my older sisters who saw what I was going through I found a genuine, professional, ethical therapist who through years of hard work helped me to accept myself and stop the self-loathing.
I’m so sorry you had that experience in the store, Mikey, and I’m so glad to see how happy and comfortable you seem to be in your own skin. I can proudly say that I am the same way. I have been an activist for gender and sexual equality most of my adult life and I’m as passionate about it today as I ever have been.
Thanks for sharing your story with us, Mikey – and thank you for sharing your kind and loving self with us through the amazing contributions you give to the creative community. I’m brand new (I mean BRAND NEW) to crocheting, but I’m so glad I came across your tutorials on youtube and have come to know you. Your sincerity and generosity come through loud and clear. Thank you.
With gratitude,
Chuck Nuttall
Thanks for the story and message. I have been overweight most of my adult life, and have never been comfortable shopping for clothes. I don’t know how many things I have bought and not tried on in the store and got home to find they didn’t fit. And I never take anything back, I give it away. Since a full 1/2 of people in the US are overweight, I am now in the majority!!! So why can’t I find clothes in stores that will fit me? I think that the pendulum is swinging our way, because I see larger models and larger actors these days. I actually buy nearly everything on line now. Covid has taught us to use our computers for shopping . And I buy things online in bigger sizes than I think I will need because I can’t try them on, so mostly stuff fits. Thanks again for all your insights and being willing to share your memories with us.
Stores are the worst. Most of the time I buy online and have done it enough that I usually can pick the right sizes. What is hard though is to picture what the item will look like on me. The online pictures still usually show a skinny model even if they carry larger sizes. I do appreciate that a few stores/websites/catalogs now use plus size models so I can see what the item looks like on a fuller figure.
When I was growing up, we never heard of a mall. I was very tiny & nothing fit me right so Mom made all my clothes til I learned to sew, then I made most of my clothes. My dad was laid off a lot from his job so we didn’t have money to buy a lot of clothes. Someone gave me a whole box of skirts & dresses that were way too big for me & I had to remake them to fit. I was one of the regular kids at school.. never wanted to be in the “in crowd”. They were too snooty for me. LOL Thanks for sharing this with all of us. You & Diva Dan are awesome guys!!!
I don’t think you should feel guilty about shopping where you’re likely to find clothes that fit. I also don’t think you should feel guilty not giving your money to people who treat you like crap either. It is good to find better online options though, but absolutely go where you’re going to find stuff that fits & you don’t have to deal with mean staff.
I feel your pain! I have never fit in with what’s in style since the 60’s! I haven’t shopped in a mall in 15 years. I mostly “make do” with discount stores or online shopping. The last time I visited a name brand store that carried larger women’s clothes everything was either navy, black or khaki…sooo depressing! Big people like colors too! I think the character Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds has done more in opening peoples eyes that big people can be fashionable too. Hold your head up and know you are more popular than any sales clerk could have imagined and such an inspiration to those of us who follow you!
I’m right there with you on the clothing, Mikey. I’ve been all sizes as I’m a yo yo’er and currently my husband and I pretty much entirely shop online. We stopped by a major retail chain yesterday and there was nothing in his size. It was demoralizing. I’ve noticed those Facebook ads that sell the same stuff you can get on Amazon and never click on them. I always go to Amazon to purchase the item if I like it. I figure at least if I order through them, there is some way to trace the purchase.
Thanks for sharing your story. I may not be gay but I do relate to being an outcast as I was socially awkward growing up. My parents were older and dressed me from Kmart or made my clothes. I was never the “in” crowd.
Good for you. A store that looks down on you doesn’t deserve a penny of your hard earned money, whether you’re big, short, gay, “Karen”, have too many kids, have no kids or whatever. Shame on them. Shame! I say.
I would prefer to buy local, but clothing here doesn’t seem to be that option. I’m trying to avoid Made in China on principle, but that isn’t always an option either. We could not afford clothes from the mall stores, but I didn’t dwell on it. Luckily I had enough self confidence in my clueless younger self to not care enough to worry about it. I sure would have liked name brand stores but it wasn’t gonna happen.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and having the courage to bring that store’s cruelty to the attention of the big dogs. That could not have been easy.
Rock on, Mikey; and hi to Diva Dan.
Eeewww!!??
I would have gone back! I would have brought friends, few I have. We
would have shopped and shopped hard. Keep sales associates running for a different style, color, size…but only work them hard not ridiculously hard – want to work it not get thrown out of the store. I wod have made a HUGE pile of things to buy…40% off, riggt!? Then have them ring it all up and then start changing my mind on a cpl things, then a few more things, etc,
oh and maybe that other color was better, hmmm. I would get my blood AND buy oy what I really wanted with my discount and leave them to rehang everything else. Oh, and don’t
put anything back on a hanger in the fitting rooms! Grrrr!I’m not normally vindictive, bit it sire sounds good in this situation. Those
people were awful and should ha e lost their jobs. If they had any smarts they would not
mind just cleaning up after your shopping spree and be thankful they still have the job.
When I was in Jr high and HS I made most of my clothes. I was a big girl and most things in stores didn’t fit or were too expensive. I always liked the bright colors and florals. One time I entered the 4-H sewing show. I was devastated by the judges comments: “girls my size shouldn’t wear large prints” and she was no skinny Minnie herself. That was 50 years ago but I still remember it. So sorry this happened to you.
Shopping “local” is an oxymoron where I live. Most all stores, and I mean all stores, are chain (big box) stores. Grocery, restaurant, clothing, craft, etc. There are no family owned businesses anymore. Add to that, what is here caters to a younger, slimmer clientele. I’m a fluffy 60; I don’t want to dress like a skinny teenager.
I have been shopping catalogs for decades so I have zero guilt with todays online shopping. I’ve worked hard for my money, it’s my right to spend it where I can get what I want, not what I have to settle for.
First of all, your story is wanting me to get some names and addresses of the workers in those stores ?.
I am with you though,I was and still am socially awkward. I had no sense of style and clothes always fit me weird. To be honest I always just wanted to hit the food court at the mall. Lol
I work at Amazon so buying online is actually what supports my family. So even if it’s not local,it’s helping make someone’s life much better. ?? Thank you once again for helping me realize I’m not a huge outcast. There are others like me.
As a woman aging and “rounding out”, I can completely appreciate your feelings in this. I want to look good, but everything in stores makes me feel like I’m dressed in sausage casing. Online shopping has been an eyeopener, yet I still don’t fully trust their sizing; sometimes they are smaller than I expect. This leaves me wondering if I have a misguided sense of my own size. I used to totally be able to wear the store sizes. I’m working to change my mindset, and it’s not easy.
For me, I stopped buying ‘nice’ clothes. I have no use for it and I don’t go anywhere. I am not a very careful with my things person. So the thought of spending lots of money on a piece of garment is just too stressful. Besides that, I shop online for clothes maybe 7 years ago, and everything else, 2 years ago. I’m still shopping local, just not walk into a store and get coughed on etc. Life is too short to do what you don’t want, that include going into a physical store. Stop feeling guilty!
If you’re a plus size female your color choice of pants are black, grey, navy blue, and brown.
I make my pants and buy my shirts. I wear a 3x
Don’t even get me started on this subject!! I have always been a big girl and don’t even know how “skinny” would feel. I’ve always shopped in this one particular store although the name of the store changed several times through the years. I felt like I owned the store, they have all my money! However, once the pandemic hit, the store closed up and went entirely on-line shopping. I HATE IT! If I need something for a special event or whatever, I have to remember to order it at least 2 months early just for it to arrive on-time. Then it could still not make it. It is frustrating to say the least. That item may not fit or look just right so now I am tasked with sending it back and wearing something out of the closet. Yes, I would LOVE to be thinner to go to the mall to shop but, given the fact that time is running out for me, I doubt that will ever happen. I hate the looks and stares along with the little kids snickering. Now that I have to order on-line the quality of clothing has taken a serious decline but the cost is still enourmous. Okay, enough said.
So true. A size ten shoes in one store for me can feel like a 9 or even 8. In my local town a buy nothing FB group was started and it has been an amazing support for soo many . If someone is looking for a certain thing could be a toy ur kid is looking for or u are moving and need to get rid of some stuff.
I feel your pain. Not just as a human, but a bigger woman. Amazon has become my go to shopping, and I do feel *sort of bad about it. Always a big girl, shopping was never fun. Ladies sizes are all over the place! Size 14/16/18/20 all could fit or not fit. All went into the drsssing room, or home, with returns always. Frustrating. But the pain of eyes watching always remains.
In the day of the internet every job is a local job! I refuse to be guilted into “shopping local” when I absolutely abhor shopping. I have the opposite problem. I am too short and small for store sizes and I’m apparently invisible to store staff. I can’t get attention/help unless I chase someone down. Even before the pandemic I ordered online. Generally I order multiple sizes and return what doesn’t fit. I consider the return postage a very small price to pay and I’m helping pay some salaries in another “local” town.
The smell of those stores gave me headaches. I couldn’t even walk into them. Not a mall shopper at al! Jeans and t shirts and leggings are pretty much all I own. If I get invited to a place that requires a different dress code I probably won’t go. Too peoplely out there anyway.
Mikey, you guys are not alone! I have said for years that they only put ugly clothes in stores for bigger girls. It has always been tiring and a painful reminder of the fact that I’m not perfect to go shopping. I started using Stitch Fix because their stylists do a great job of finding what is MY style and every piece fits me and makes me feel good. I would shop local if the stores stopped pandering to what magazines say is perfect. But, in fact, the stores are the ones that boot themselves out of business. You both are great JUST how you are, and I truly appreciate your openness and honesty. Thank you for sharing so that some others of us know we are not alone.