Every spring, around this time, I hit a lull and borderline depressive state. It’s awful, it’s ugly and it’s non-motivational. This year feels different than most though, I’m at a point of hopelessness and gawd it is rough.
I really have no reason to be depressed. My home life is set, warm roof over my head and meals on the table. What is broken is the chained device to my pocket, my iPhone. It is addictive and is riddled mostly in upsetting and news that angers me to the point of feeling winded, tired and to the point where I am lacking the care.
Most stuff, I can just push off my shoulders as it’s not my responsibility and there is nothing I can do to solve the problem or be part of a solution. I literally have to sift through garbage to find the joy.
I find myself looking through my newsfeeds whether it’s Facebook, Twitter and YouTube and I gasp at the rawness of the threads. I find myself gasping at the TV in news stories that really are sensationalism built up to be a story versus the news that is life-altering for many. To balance feels impossible. Yet, some things that need to be fixed are beyond my capability of doing so. So I feel hopeless because the only person I can rationally change is myself and sometimes, that’s not enough for my mentality as I want world peace but it feels impossible to have a conversation that leads to it. Always barriers and yet the people who can make a difference seem to have their own interests ahead of the rest.
Take an honest look at your newsfeed today. Find the joy! Seriously, look for the post updates that have a celebration or positive outlook. You may see what I see, it’s social media of grievances over some important issues and so many others that are so trivial, you wonder how these people function.
I’ve done myself a favour to ween myself off the daily news cycle before the start of this year. That’s helped a lot. I’ve been more creative but it’s the social media that wants to lure me back into the addiction of following play-by-play action on events. It feels like it’s treated like a sport.
Maybe I am C-19 exhausted. Many people I know are. I’ve become paranoid and I don’t shop or go to a store just for the fun of it. It’s mission-based, in and out. No dilly-dallying.
I started my experience in the yarn arts as a way to reach out to connect to the community. Now I find myself below water with my hand above the surface waiting to take a breath. I’m stuck in the undertow and though I receive many compliments a day for the work I do, it feels the greater life, outside of the yarn is broken and it’s causing me to shatter.
I cannot make happiness for others or for others to find their own joy. My personal wish is that we all, including me, make more of an effort to celebrate and have gratitude for what is working, right and a great moment, for many, it doesn’t seem people are joyous that often but I bet they are but knee jerk to the negative.
I’ll be fine, I’ll work my way through it… I’m in between tasks at this moment and I need to find a quick milestone to get me through to that next moment. It doesn’t take much, I just have to want it bad enough to push the negative and the water aside to reach for it.
Dear Mikey:
You are not alone my friend….life is hard right now for everyone, to put it plainly, “it sucks”. I am not going to tell you how you feel…because I don’t. I do have empathy and compassion for your struggles. A few suggests, take them if they make sense. Unfollow every page, unless it is important, family, friends, personal interests. Turn off all newsfeeds and advertising. If you want to know what is going on in the world, watch the 6:00 OK news for 1 hour a day. Every morning…start a gratitude journal, a 10 minute mediation. Get in touch with your physical stress to “work on” releasing it. It is OK to not be OK. We cannot be all things to All people….but we can be the right thing to the people who, love, respect, encourage and acompany us on our journey. Bless you, and remember ” You are always Loved”
Yes, I have been where you are. After years of searching for a way out of the hole I found volunteering was my way out. Doesn’t matter if it’s being a friend to the elderly, surprising someone you don’t know with a bouquet of flowers, or as we do in our town-pay for the coffee or lunch order of the person in line behind you at the drive-up. God bless you Mickey. You are loved by thousands and we need you in our life.
Hi Mikey, Please know you are not alone. We are living in such a different world this past year. Those of us who suffer with depression and anxiety are finding it particularly difficult. There isn’t always a particular reason for depression. Most times it’s caused by a chemical imbalance. If you find yourself sinking further, please reach out to someone to talk with. Please speak with your doctor who can help you find a therapist and/or appropriate medication. There is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help. Lastly, I want to thank you for sharing. The more we talk about depression, the better it is for all. <3