Every spring, around this time, I hit a lull and borderline depressive state. It's awful, it's ugly and it's non-motivational. This year feels different than most though, I'm at a point of hopelessness and gawd it is rough.
I really have no reason to be depressed. My home life is set, warm roof over my head and meals on the table. What is broken is the chained device to my pocket, my iPhone. It is addictive and is riddled mostly in upsetting and news that angers me to the point of feeling winded, tired and to the point where I am lacking the care.
Most stuff, I can just push off my shoulders as it's not my responsibility and there is nothing I can do to solve the problem or be part of a solution. I literally have to sift through garbage to find the joy.
I find myself looking through my newsfeeds whether it's Facebook, Twitter and YouTube and I gasp at the rawness of the threads. I find myself gasping at the TV in news stories that really are sensationalism built up to be a story versus the news that is life-altering for many. To balance feels impossible. Yet, some things that need to be fixed are beyond my capability of doing so. So I feel hopeless because the only person I can rationally change is myself and sometimes, that's not enough for my mentality as I want world peace but it feels impossible to have a conversation that leads to it. Always barriers and yet the people who can make a difference seem to have their own interests ahead of the rest.
Take an honest look at your newsfeed today. Find the joy! Seriously, look for the post updates that have a celebration or positive outlook. You may see what I see, it's social media of grievances over some important issues and so many others that are so trivial, you wonder how these people function.
I've done myself a favour to ween myself off the daily news cycle before the start of this year. That's helped a lot. I've been more creative but it's the social media that wants to lure me back into the addiction of following play-by-play action on events. It feels like it's treated like a sport.
Maybe I am C-19 exhausted. Many people I know are. I've become paranoid and I don't shop or go to a store just for the fun of it. It's mission-based, in and out. No dilly-dallying.
I started my experience in the yarn arts as a way to reach out to connect to the community. Now I find myself below water with my hand above the surface waiting to take a breath. I'm stuck in the undertow and though I receive many compliments a day for the work I do, it feels the greater life, outside of the yarn is broken and it's causing me to shatter.
I cannot make happiness for others or for others to find their own joy. My personal wish is that we all, including me, make more of an effort to celebrate and have gratitude for what is working, right and a great moment, for many, it doesn't seem people are joyous that often but I bet they are but knee jerk to the negative.
I'll be fine, I'll work my way through it... I'm in between tasks at this moment and I need to find a quick milestone to get me through to that next moment. It doesn't take much, I just have to want it bad enough to push the negative and the water aside to reach for it.